just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
ttyl tear gas
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
