I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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