Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Come on in and take your pants off
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