I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
