My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
