if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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