Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
