I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
