Are we in a gay sports bar?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Girls should come with a carfax report
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
