Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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