my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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