I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
