Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
