She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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