I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
