I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
