I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
