So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
