I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
