I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
