you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
