Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
