I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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