you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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