Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just had sex bonerless
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
