So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
