she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
