Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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