I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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