Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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