Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Drunk is not a location!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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