The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I came so hard my ears popped.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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