I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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