I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
