glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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