At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
