i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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