Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
