She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
