I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
