I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
