If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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