After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
