At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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