I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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