You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
its liver damage thursday
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
