My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
