i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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