oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
