ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
