I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
