eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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