I hope mine doesn't look like that
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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